Ain't No Shakespeare

Do you feel the need to constantly prove yourself even when no one is asking you to? The pressure to add value to a team, a project, a group? The stress to not feel like a burden but instead an asset? Hoping that people around are happy with you, satisfied with you, proud of you? If yes, then welcome to my world – of overthinking, over stressing, over pleasing! I won’t say I am the most amicable or patient – quite the opposite in fact. I am also one of the most straightforward, undiplomatic persons you could have the misfortune to encounter. And yet I have this gnawing need to be worthy – of someone, of their joy, their pride, their satisfaction. And with that comes an earnest, perseverant effort to go that extra mile, to win over their approval – even if it is at the cost of my own peace or health. So in this battle – to be straightforward, yet to try and avoid conflict; to showcase my displeasure, yet earn respect; to fight for logical and yet gain acceptance – I get strewn all...

We are 5 of us 3 brothers, 2 sisters Perfect symmetry Paanch Pandav I used to consider ourselves And we have been closely bonded since years – living within a few kms of each other (mostly). Summers, festivals, birthdays – spent together, holidays spent together, taken vacations together. It was bliss. I still remember us staying up late, whispering secrets in the dark as the parents went off to sleep; I remember spending evenings on trips spent in each other’s bedrooms talking incessantly. I also recall running off together during family functions to spend our own time together. I never felt the need for a sibling because my cousins and me were the most closely-knit bond I shared and they never let me feel alone. But it all started changing one day. One day – 10 years ago My eldest cousin – left for studies abroad. He was the first of us to leave India for studies. We were happy for him, yet emotional at sending him so far off from ourselves. All 4 of us came to see him off at the air...

Yeah so I don’t know how to process this honestly. This – the flight – crash – the whole tragedy – urgh! And all I know is writing as a way of emoting so that’s what I am going to do. Even if it is my public blog and not my journal. I don’t know how to deal with it, how to get past it, how not to think about it, how not to be affected by it. The fear, the doom, the depression, the immense pain I feel just by thinking about those in the tragedy. Can’t even imagine what their loved ones might be going through. Can’t imagine what the passengers must have felt in those 6 mins – Panic? Fear? Hope? I don’t know! It breaks my heart thinking about it. How they must have been excited, sitting at the airport. Not a normal day for sure. They are going on vacation, heart filled with excitement. Some were returning home from vacation, their luggage packed with souvenirs, their hearts with memories. Some must have been going for work – their first trip to London maybe. For the crew it was a regu...

I generally do not write movie reviews, but no sooner than I finished watching this movie, this blog kind of wrote itself in my mind. I don’t know why it took me so long to get to this movie. I knew already that it does not have a happy ending. And maybe I wasn’t ready to know that even movies, like life, can end unhappily sometimes. But today, on an impulse I started watching this movie and I got drawn into its magic. Set mainly in the sleepy, lazy life of Kolkata (a city with its own love & magic), it is the story of a madly in love Abhimanyu and a crazy, impulsive, wild Bindu. Don’t worry. I am not going to write a summary of the movie here, you can find it anywhere on google. But I felt I should give some typical, movie review start to ease you into my write up. I didn’t know what I was expecting from the movie. The first 5-10 mins had me really confused about where this story was going. Much like the city it is set it, it was slow, lazy and confusing. But once he began their s...

A late post for my birthday From the time I was a kid, right until a few years ago, I used to be really really excited for my birthday. The countdown would begin from a month ago. There would be planning, hoping for some surprises, cakes, celebration. I would be waiting to see who calls at midnight and if the ones I really love remember my birthday or no. It all changed suddenly (thankfully) a few years ago, when birthday lost its meaning, its importance. It was just another day. That’s not to say that the concept of birthdays was not appealing. I really enjoy making them special – for others. But my own? I am not as much excited anymore. Maturity? Growth? I hope so! Have I really grown wiser? Calmer? More patient? I don’t know. But have I learnt to cope with things better? Become stronger? I think so. Because I have been blessed with a support system so rare, they don’t let me fall. This birthday was special to me because it came riding on the back of one of my toughest ...

There is something about losing a loved one that nothing can really heal. The fact that you can no longer bring back, see or talk to the person no matter how hard you try, is just one of them. The worst is probably the feelings of dread and fear it triggers. I lost my grandfather this year in March and since then internally I have been a mess. I would not say that I was the fondest of him all throughout. He has not been the easiest of people to live and adjust with. But losing him and specifically seeing him pass, suddenly, in front of me was traumatic to say the least. And that kind of triggered these emotions – of fear, of vulnerability, of insecurity. Not wanting to lose yet another loved one anytime soon. Which is perhaps why, when I look back at the year, everything else that happened seems to kind of fade in comparison. A year that started off in one of the best possible manner, at my mama-mami’s farmhouse in Pali – a calm, peaceful abode they had bought – a place which my gr...