The Question of Self Worth

Do you feel the need to constantly prove yourself even when no one is asking you to? The pressure to add value to a team, a project, a group? The stress to not feel like a burden but instead an asset? Hoping that people around are happy with you, satisfied with you, proud of you?

If yes, then welcome to my world – of overthinking, over stressing, over pleasing!

I won’t say I am the most amicable or patient – quite the opposite in fact. I am also one of the most straightforward, undiplomatic persons you could have the misfortune to encounter. And yet I have this gnawing need to be worthy – of someone, of their joy, their pride, their satisfaction. And with that comes an earnest, perseverant effort to go that extra mile, to win over their approval – even if it is at the cost of my own peace or health.

So in this battle – to be straightforward, yet to try and avoid conflict; to showcase my displeasure, yet earn respect; to fight for logical and yet gain acceptance – I get strewn all over the place. Because I am constantly in conflict with myself and my morals. And of course, then every little thing becomes a trigger, smallest of conversations make me overthink on it’s alleged underlined meaning, and the train of thought never ends.

But now that I see this pattern, I feel exhausted. Exhausted of the effort, exhausted of the fight, exhausted of constantly trying to feel worthy enough. Because in trying to win over someone else’s approval, I am losing the respect of the one person who is the most important – ME! And I don’t know if this self-realization is going to be enough to correct the pattern or to bring some much-required peace to myself but I am going to try. Because if I don’t make myself a priority, how can I expect that someone else will?